Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Heebie- Geebies


Three years ago I was hit by a hay bailer and had a full body whiplash and a blown out knee.  I got sick of limping and decided to go bionic with a new knee.
I was told that the surgery is only successful if you are aggressive with the physiotherapy.  Every day you build up scar tissue and every day you have to break it down so you don’t get a stiff leg.  It is very painful and you must take these small pink pills for the pain called morphine.
  One guy in our physio class had a history of addictions so he couldn’t take the morphine for the bending and stretching so he regularly screamed and passed out from pain.  As the rest of us walked around him while he lay splayed out cold on the floor, we thanked God that we could take our tiny pink pills.
Being an over achiever in small and unimportant situations, I made really quick progress, so I decided to cut back on the painkillers.  I woke up pre dawn huddled in a corner of my bedroom with severe nausea, vomiting, heart palpitations, sweating and uncontrollable weeping. (The last time I wept was twenty-one years ago when I mistakenly erased my contact list.) This crying was because I felt like every synapse in my brain was on fire. If I tried to think of even the most mundane thing, flames leapt out of that thought and singed whatever idea resided next to it.
 I went back to my surgeon and told him what hell I was going through.  He said casually, “Sounds like the hebbie-jeebies to me.” “What?” I asked. He said, “Don’t you know the signs of morphine withdrawal?”  I said “Who do I look like, Billie Holiday?”  He said, “Who’s he?” 
It is not often an “addiction” to morphine drops in your lap so I gave it careful scrutiny. I, unlike a lot of scientific researchers, had a chance to study the whole phenomenon from the inside out.
 I am a gregarious person. I love meeting new people and getting together with friends.  Yet under the morphine, I had no desire to talk to anyone.  I lost the to and fro of conversation. But more than that, I didn’t care about people at all. People who were my best friends seemed like mere acquaintances. It was as though I was at a cocktail party stuck in a boring conversation and had no way to extricate myself.
Another change was time slowed down. Spontaneity had left through the back door and didn’t carry me through conversations. Now I could see myself at the table with other people and hear all the inane things I said. Socializing for an hour was as much work as being in a one-hour play performance and I would come home and sleep of two hours after any interactions.
Morphine kills your appetite. I read there are no fat morphine addicts. I could munch on a prune, which seemed as big as a turkey to me, for two days before I finished it. I lost 22 pounds over two months. (When I complained to my friend about all I’d been through she said, “You lost 20 pounds and you’re complaining? Shut up!”)
I never worried about the future.  I didn’t even think about my book tour coming up in a month. When I got emails about author events, I thought everyone was being obsessive (a month translated to ten years) and pressed delete.
So morphine had done several things to me. It took away all desire to be with others and I never planned for the future. These were previously two of my most enjoyable activities. I was now in a medically induced solitary confinement. 
I now totally understand why some people would crave Morphine. They may have had toxic parents and then gone on to have unsatisfactory adult relationships. These relationships hurt but we are social animals so they keep going back for more pain.
  On Morphine you are not a social animal.  You really don’t need anyone.  So all the people who used to hurt you are no longer important.  Morphine slammed your social needs door shut and you don’t have to let them hurt you anymore. The best part is you are not lonely.  Suddenly all the pain stops.  
The future for this kind of person, who has troubled relationships, is often limited. They are faced with futures yawning in front of them that are filled with all kinds of woes. Morphine takes care of the problem because there is only the present.
 The two things that tortured them, relationships and the future, are gone. And the divine part of it all is that you don’t miss any of it.
I have no desire to stay on this drug now that the pain in my knee has subsided.  I look forward to wanting to be with people again and getting back to planning my future. It is not that I am not an “addictive personality”; it is that I don’t need or even want the few qualities that morphine offers me. It was a bad fit.
One person’s high is another person’s downer depending on need. If they had a pill that would trim my troubles I’d be the first addict lined up to mainline it.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015


When you travel, a lot funny things happen on airplanes. We are all crammed together and you get a chance to see the dynamics of other families minus their ‘indoor voices’ and in public manners. Airlines are so annoying now and air travel has been so stripped of its former glamour (I remember in the 50’s my mother bought an outfit for the plane.) that people are not on their best behaviour. All the indignities of taking your shoes and belts off and your belongings rifled through, and the snaking lineups, slowly strip away the defenses you usually keep reserve for public decorum known as civilized behaviour.
Last week I returned from Mexico and a tourist would not force her screaming two year old to wear her seat belt for takeoff. The flight attendant tried to get her to comply, then the pilot came out, then a big wig from the airport came aboard and told her she was holding up the plane and for safety reasons the belt had to be done up for takeoff. We were now into our second hour on the tarmac. I found it interesting that no one on the plane yelled at the woman or even addressed her. They only glared at her. People grumbled to each other but not to her. Finally she had to de-board with her now sleeping child and the ground crew had to find her luggage and get it out of the plane. Literally dozens of people missed their connecting flights in Houston. We had to run for ours. The whole episode was not the least bit amusing, but only another example of how parenting has totally gone to hell in a hand basket.  When that toddler grows up along with her cohort, the book Lord of the Flies, will look like a utopia.
Three weeks later I had another incident on a plane, which was far more amusing and in many ways was the opposite of the first incident. The first incident was where the child controlled the mother to an absurd degree and this latter incident was again an interesting incident of child-parent control. A woman with her two teenage children was in front of me in line at the counter where I was checking in.  She wanted to get three seats together for herself, her seventeen-year-old son, who was visiting Harvard, as she told the flight employee, and her thirteen-year-old daughter. The clerk said there was a hefty fee to change seats at this late date since she already had hers assigned on line. The mother gladly paid the fee so everyone could sit together. The daughter said nothing and was wired and up to all kinds of gadgets and the son said, “It is an hour and a half flight, don’t pay to get seats together. We can sit on our own.” The mother insisted they sit together. The son who was a head taller than his mother and clearly shaved and was clearly desperate to fly the coup in the fall, said again, “I don’t care what you say, I am keeping my original seat.”
She said “Just do this for me.”
He said, “No.” and the daughter couldn’t hear a thing and she was swaying to the music she was listening to as she texted on her phone.
We all boarded for Toronto and the woman said we couldn’t leave because her son wasn’t in his seat. They called his name. There was no response. Finally he was located in the back of the plane and was told to sit in the seat his mother had paid for. He refused. Again, just like in Mexico, we sat on the runway. 
They flight attendant talked to the mother and then went to the back of the plane and talked to the son as he sat slouching in his seat and sulking. Then the pilot came out and talked to the mother and again she said son was visiting Harvard. The hearty Midwestern pilot, who clearly prided himself on having man to man chats, talked to the son who told him to “butt out and fly the plane” since that was his job.
Then the called someone from the airport. This time he didn’t look as official as the Mexican airport boss.  He came on board wearing an orange glow-in-the-dark vest, heard the whole story, including the Harvard bit for the third time, and then he said in a heavy southy accent to the stewardess, ‘Move this puppy off the tarmac. We got backup. The plane isn’t full. Both seats are empty and I don’t give a shit where this kid sits as long as he wears his seatbelt." Then he turned to the mother and said, “What do you want him to wear a diaper for Christ’s sake?” Then he hollered from the front of the plane to the back, where the boy was seated, “See ya next year in Boston when you’re on your own,” waved and got off the plane. We all took flight.


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Life in Florida has some shockers

In this photo you can see my high school  friend, Sally, who is unfortunately still beautiful, and I are heading out of her garage to go  to her country club so I can give a book talk on my memoir COMING ASHORE over dinner.

 Before I spoke I was seated next to an emergency physician.  In an effort to make conversation, I asked what are the most common emergencies in Florida. He said drunken golf cart accidents which are serious since people are old and many are on blood thinners and they bleed out when they tumble out or roll into a pond. The second most common emergency is, believe it or not, venereal disease.  He said when people move into assisted living, they have a 'randy stage' where they jump from bed to bed having unprotected sex. Wow! Back to my chicken dinner.

Well those are just two sociological nuggets from the Sunshine state.  Of course one of the glories of the state is the weather and being able to dine outside under the palms--- or so I thought. Another  Florida shocker is that no one sits outside--ever.  When I arrived from Canada I was so happy to be at my friend Sally's place. I asked if we could eat breakfast  outside since it was so beautiful in her garden. She said no for two reasons. One the sprinkling system sprays on the cushions and they are wet and the other reason is her husband does not like eating out of doors.

Then I went to another huge house in Orlando with huge gardens  and asked if we could sit near the  pool to have our drinks. She looked at me horrified and said , "No, the gardner is coming tomorrow and there are a few dry  leaves on the ground near the pool.  Sorry, Oh and I have to close the drapes or the furniture fades."

Off  I went on another day to the most exclusive spot in Sarasota in a golf community that I needed a code to get into. A grounds man drove in front of me to get to the house. ( I guess he wanted to be sure I didn't loot places on the way.) These people had a mansion and huge wrought iron porches a la Gone with the wind  on the first and second floors. I asked if we could have drinks on the porch before going to the club for the talk and she said, "Absolutely not. You could get brained by a golf ball.  It is totally unsafe out there. If you want to sit outside we have to go to the club."

I hoped to have better luck on the other coast in Florida further south. However I was told that no one goes outside. The woman said, "We had gofers or some small brown furry thing.  I had to fill in the pool."

When I got to  Boca Raton, I was staying with a woman from Buffalo so I knew she'd understand my need for some outdoor warm air. She said, "Ok, one drink, but then we are moving inside. Bugs come at dusk."  So you can see me below after my 13 stop tour of Florida where I can sit outside for five minutes only  and have my drink.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Florida Book Tour---Plane from Toronto to Orlando --Disney Express

I am on a Florida book tour publicizing my last memoir Coming Ashore. I am going to rent a car and go from Orlando  down the ocean coast past Palm Beach and Miami and then I’ll drive up the Gulf side and hit Naples and Tampa and everything in between. I’m renting a car, I”ll have GPS that says Welcome to Florida, Cathy,  (I’ve done this before). I’m taking my books in my trunk, and I’m heading out into, as my son calls Florida, God’s waiting room. There is something fun about being alone and observing a foreign culture—-and let’s face it-- Florida can be strange.  I thought I’d blog a bit along the way.

Plane From Toronto to Orlando—Disney Express
Is there anything worse than being on a plane to Orlando in spring break? It is full of disciples making a pilgrimage to Disney World.  There are parents who call each other “mom” and “dad” and who say to their gaggle of kids, “You have fifteen minutes at the window and then you have to let your sister have a turn.” Of course the boy says, “No way.” And the girl cries and then the parents argue with the wife telling the husband that he should never have given the window to the boy, etc.  They all finally give up on human interaction and rent ipads with games for each of them @$14.95 each. After that there is silence and they are not heard from again.
     Just when I thought it could not get worse, a family with a baby has just joined me. (Late arrivals.) The couple is taking their eight-month old drooling baby to Disneyworld. Why?  Is he really going to recognize Mickey Mouse as an American icon or be terrified of a gigantic mouse? They have brought a music box they continually rewind that plays ‘The wheels on the bus.’  When it is finished they start it again.
     On my other side is a middle-aged Iranian couple who are going to Disney World as adults with no kids. They want to “experience America.”  Are Goofy and Donald Duck America? I just read the first part of the American Travelogue by the Norwegian writer Karl Ove Knausgaard in 'the New York Times'. He decided the best way to see America was to not talk to anyone and visit hollowed- out Detroit. That turned out to be America for him and anyone who reads his article, it will be America for them.  So these Iranians are going to go home and report on Disney world as America? I suppose it is as much America as anything else.
The woman in front of me who has a massive lung infection  is wearing Mickey Mouse ears and spitting up Dumbo sized yellow globs from her lungs into her eye shade. I guess you have to pay extra for a Kleenex on air Canada. An older man next to her said, “If you are so sick you shouldn’t travel and infect all of us.” (I was with him on this score.) She said she’d paid for Disney world and she was going if she had to be carried through the pearly gates into never-never land.
The eight year old girl across the aisle from me  has blonde hair with dark roots and is wearing a crop top, short shorts and cowboy boots. ( How did she get out of record cold temperatures in Canada in February in that get-up?) she told the ever inquisitive flight attendant that she didn’t care about the rides or the Disney figures. She just wanted to eat at the Hard Rock CafĂ© and see celebrities. There was so much wrong with the outfit, the celebrity mentality, and the delusion that famous people eat in Disney World in Orlando, I don’t even know where to begin.  Who knows? Maybe they pay people to eat there.
I’ve made  to Orlando Airport  alive and I’m at the baggage claim. Children have run amok. It is like Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.  Disney acolytes have now departed from other flights. Little boys are running all over the moving baggage carousel,  surfing and screaming as they took the winding  turns. Their parents have apparently disowned them by this point because no one is taking any responsibility for them. Then large men in uniform appear and shut down the baggage carrousel by the emergency stop button and tell the parents, who now look like walking zombies, to remove their children or they won’t start up the carousel.
As I got into my compact rental car that smelled of cleaning fluid, I have never been so happy for silence and my destination in a retirement community.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Lord of the Flies comes to Ontario

Has the world changed and I haven't changed with it? I'll lay out my sorry little tale and you can let me know.  I serially need feedback on this. I agreed to travel almost five hours by car to address some combined  book clubs on my new memoir,  Coming Ashore.  It is my own fault I agreed to go so far. I was lulled by the Ontario Address and had no idea it was so far from Toronto. It felt like I circled Algonquin Park at least twice. All I know is I kept seeing the same trees.

The book club was arranged for 1:00 in the afternoon so I would have time to get back home on the same day. The host offered to put me up for the night, but that seemed more trouble than it was worth.

When I got there I realized the woman giving the group was a grandmother. This is not unusual since I have written three memoirs, the first one dates from the 50s', the second, the 60's and the last one is the 70's.  It is common for me to have an older audience for they remembered those years. I myself am sixty-seven so it is not rare to have grandmothers exchanging pictures of their grandchildren.

 The unusual thing at this event is that the grandchildren were there with their mother who was visiting. They were two lively preschool boys ( age 4 and 5)  who ran around during the luncheon preceding the talk, knocking over glasses, grabbing food with their hands and crawling under the table, etc. I guess this is what kids do today. I have no idea since I have not been in contact with children since I had my own thirty some years ago. Their behaviour seemed neanderthal but I shrugged it off.

Then it was time for me to give my book talk and for the club to begin. We moved to the living room where forty chairs were set up in a circle.  I could tell there were some serious readers there for they had post-its in their books and some of them had taken writing courses in Banff and wanted to write memoirs themselves.  Also several of the women, like me,  had travelled a long way.  The daughter did not remove the two boys. They shouted, crawled around, played gun games, and generally disrupted. They also whined and constantly demanded food from the mother, however they hadn't eaten their lunch.  No one corrected them or told them to leave the room. I assumed that the mother would take them out when she saw how disruptive they were. As time went on and they were not curtailed in any way they became more disruptive.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and said, "I'm sorry I can't hear any of the questions, nor can I concentrate on what I am saying. The children are too disruptive." No one said anything. Someone asked a question three times and I couldn't hear them. The kids kept going and finally I said, "I'm sorry either the kids leave or I have to go. This is an adult event."  The grandmother looked stonily at me and the daughter said, "We are a family.  The kids are having a wonderful time.  I said "I have no doubt about that, but I am not, nor is anyone else in the room." I looked around the room for support, but  everyone just looked down. Finally one woman said to me, "Cathy, that is how my grandchildren act. No one even sits at dinner. It is the new parenting called child-centred. I guess we are used to it." I got the feeling those present thought I was an old fuddy-duddy who didn't  understand modern times.

I said I was not used to it nor did I approve of it, packed up and sped out of that driveway as fast as reverse could carry me. As I drove past their picture window I saw them all sitting there in a circle held captive by two pre schoolers. Better them than me I thought as I headed for the velvet quiet home.

 Is this how children are supposed to act today? Is there no disciple? This can't be normal or remotely good for children.  I wonder if others have run into this. What surprised me was no one came to my defence. Am I that out of it? I felt like I was on Mars of some troubled planet that resembled the book Lord or the Flies.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

World realigns

Sometimes the world realigns in subtle ways and sometimes there is an explosion.  Today while reading the newspaper ( I know, how old fashioned)  I discovered two changes in the world that rocked my socks.

The first was that Coke's sales have been dropping for the last few years. Apparently Canada's coke has more sugar in it than other countries.  Coke, in a last ditch effort to reverse their declining sales, are taking some of the sugar out of coke in their main "secret recipe" which is guarded in Atlanta -- the recipe that only 'two live' people at a time know. ( The dead may know it at will.)  I love that it was called Coke because it originally had cocaine in it at the turn of the century.  And people wonder how it got such a foothold in America!

A branding expert said in the paper that coke is becoming aware that people want a healthier alternative to a sugary, caffinated, fattening drink.  The world is voting with their pocket books by buying water and tea and leaving Coke on the shelves.

I remember in the 1950's when I worked in my dad's drug store people would ask for a pop and that meant Coke. If you wanted some other brand from the giant red Coke cooler you'd have to ask. It was rare to sell a lunch at the counter without a coke to go with it--- from a glass that said Coke Cola on it in white letters.

Coke has been tampering with its formula for years-- offering a new formula which their stalwart followers refused to buy so they had to bring back the old formula in the form of Coke Classic and then later fade out the new model when no one was looking. That is an interesting way to avoid saying you made a mistake.

Now for an even bigger  seismic shift in the universe.  I read ---on the same day as I read  about the Coke failure that --- barbie dolls are losing their market share and have been in free fall decline for the last three years. They are now down by 21%.  Barbie has been Mattel's biggest seller for -- get this-- 54 years! The Barbie marketing people and re-branders  have decided to deal with this billion dollar problem by revamping an already vampy look. They are giving Barbie a narrative. Everything now needs a narrative to sell. They are doing a Barbie movie casting Barbie as a superhero and a princess.

I was too old for barbies, they were invented after I was a kid, ( Another sociological factor  that places me in the dementia demographic) but I did sell them.  I remember when being a blonde with gigantic breasts, small waist, and a huge wardrobe was as close to nirvana as you could get. Three generations were happy to ride into the sunset in a pink car with Ken in the passenger seat. ( Hey, at least he wasn't driving!)

Current statistics on Barbie show that girls of past generations  used to play with Barbies until they were 14 years old.  Now they play with her until they are six and move to an I pad.  She's lost her edge. Those girls that have turned away say Barbie is 'babyish.'

I recently saw a New Yorker cartoon with a political candidate asking a crowd if they wanted change. Everyone in the crowd raised their hands. Then he asked how many people wanted  to change and no one raised their hands.  What I like about the Coke and the Barbie product change is that people have voted with their wallets for change. They are saying I don't want to drink  secret formula garbage or play with a bleach blonde bimbo who looks like a pole dancer. Those days are over.  They had a long run.  Coke has been going since 1896 and barbie has been donning skimpy ensembles for over half a century.  But their days are numbered. Let the re-branders  redesign all they want. They are only rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic.  Their era is over--- Barbie has driven out of town in her pink convertible with a Coke Classic in her beverage holder.

Saturday, December 27, 2014


I would have described myself as the least lonely person alive until yesterday. Yet this Christmas week loneliness is coming at me from all angles. It came in on a trojan nutcracker and is dumping out its solders at a furious rate.

 First of all my memoir, COMING ASHORE was very favourably reviewed in THE GLOBE AND MAIL. As I was reading along  not only was I relieved the review was good, but I was thrilled that the reviewer really 'got' me. Or so I thought until I hit the paragraph that said that I was "lonely and isolated". Lonely?????( Agh !!!Picture a Roz Chast photo of sheer horror.)  I have more friends than Oprah. What is she talking about?
That same day my cleaning lady, Nelcinda, who for 18 years has  never asked me a personal question,  said to me while we were decorating for christmas, "Are you sad having no family?" I just looked at her blankly which she apparently took as encouragement and continued, "In all my years here, you have never had one relative visit the house." It is true although it never struck me as sad.  I am an only child, whose parents died many years ago .  She said, "Don't you have cousins?"  I said my dad was also an only child and my mother had one sister but her children mostly went into the religious orders of one kind or another.   My mother wasn't close to her sister nor did we visit her family often. Nelcinda took this in stride but said she would be terribly lonely without her brothers, sisters and cousins, especially at Christmas.
Oddly the same day I came across a passage from Edward Said,  a  marvellous Palestinian writer, that jumped out at me from his essay on REFLECTIONS ON EXILE which said, 
Exile is strangely compelling to think about but terrible to experience. It is the unhealable rift forced between a human being and a native place, between the self and its true home: its essential sadness can never be surmounted. And while it is true that literature and history contain heroic, romantic, glorious, even triumphant episodes in an exile’s life, these are no more than efforts meant to overcome the crippling sorrow of estrangement. The achievements of exile are permanently undermined by the loss of something left behind for ever.
Again a reflection on loneliness, missing your country of origin.  It is at Christmas that I miss  America, my native land.   When I left America I had no idea I wasn't coming back.  I had no enemy on my trail as I crossed the border nearly fifty years ago.  I came to go to University, met my husband and stayed in Canada.  My Exile was not a sudden rip, but crept in as a whimper.  I was not Conrad or Nabokov who had to learn to write in English -- it was easy.  I could keep my native tongue. Yet no matter where I go people say, "You're American aren't you? Or people criticize Americans for their foreign policy and or their  loud, garish natures which I call friendliness.  For some reason they  figure they can criticize your homeland right  in front of you. Yet if I was from Hungary, I doubt they'd criticize Hungarians to my face.  Yet It is always open season on Americans. 
Since loneliness has jumped out at me 3 times in one day, you don't have to be Freud to know this is an issue. I am now married to a Jew and have 3 Jewish sons and no one is particularly interested in Christmas.  In fact everyone moans and actually screams when I play my Bing Crosby White Christmas C.D.   I have finally given it up. 
Yet in my head I still live through our Catholic school nativity pageant of Mary in the manger in Bethlehem which we performed every year  in grades one through 6.  It has limited drama. Once the baby was born and the 3 wise men depart the dramatic action is limited -- but still I loved it . Then in the older grades we did the Amahl and the night visitors opera.
At home my father played Christmas carols by Big Crosby , Perry Como, and  Nat King Cole on his 78's. Carollers came to the door and my dad had them in for a high ball. ( weird since some were kids.) The priest , Father Campbell, came to bless the house and he too stayed for a drink. On his second drink he sang songs in 'old Irish'  as he was originally from Ireland.  it was the only time of the year anyone other than my mother, me, or my father set foot in our home. My mother didn't like company.  Christmas was her only exception.

 On Christmas we were the only people in the only fancy restaurant in our town and the chef and waitress joined us since no one else was there. Was I lonely?  I didn't think so at the time. Now when I look back on it I have a heaviness in my chest. I perceived  it was my job to talk and make things merry in the large cavernous restaurant.  It could get tiring. I would say fatiguing more than lonely. 
I think may people miss their childhood homes, their countries and their families at Christmas. That is one of the reasons I love A CHILD'S CHRISTMAS IN WALES by Dylan Thomas. It recalls each tiny memory spun in Christmas glitter.
I told my husband about my day thinking of loneliness for the first time in my entire life. As I was chatting while surfing the net, he said, "Let's check and see if you have any reviews of your new book on Amazon".  We were  revelling in  all the five star reviews and then we saw one that was only 3 stars. We ground to a halt, read it, and  found it was written by my cousin.